I haven't seen the ants in two days. As mentioned in the previous journal entry, I left them at school. I don't know how they are doing. I can only imagine that they are well enough because their food and water are provided. I'm very curious about any new tunnels that may have taken place these past two days.
You know, I haven't made any new tunnels lately, either.
I don't know why I'm so surprised or disappointed that I don't see a new ant tunnel every single day. But that is just the way I have been acting when I look in on them. It's like I'm saying to them, "So, what have you done lately? Don't sit back and think all those wonderful tunnels you made are going to cut it. You've got to make another one. Get to work, ants!" I wouldn't want anyone to say that to me, to infer that I'd gotten lazy and didn't want to do my work, my job, or whatever it was I did that others expected me to continue doing, and certainly I wouldn't say that to another person... unless I knew they needed a little pushing. Sometimes a student needs a little pushing, sometimes a friend does, sometimes even I do.
But what have I done lately that is new?
I have a tendency to say to myself, "Look, I'm taking a break for the summer, okay? I taught Sunday School all year, didn't I? I worked hard and with great enthusiasm to help make Serengeti Trek a Vacation Bible School the kids won't soon forget. I've kept my journal up all through the summer, and I did get my annual physical done on time this year." Still, nagging me at the back of my mind is a voice that asks, "Yes, nice, but is that enough?"
But I've been reading, and studying, and I'm learning about Zimbabwe, and I'm getting things ready for school to start. "Yes, but is that enough?"
It's like I'm having a conversation with myself, between the part of me that is lazy and content with things just the way they are, and the part of me that wants to be better, that believes there is always room for self-improvement in one area or another.
For instance, the lazy part of me, let's call her Lazy, hates housework. She doesn't like vacuuming, or sweeping, or cleaning toilets, or dusting. Lazy doesn't have a problem with the leaves and sticks carried in on her dogs, and she doesn't always sweep them up right away. A few dirty dishes in the sink means when there are more, they'll get put into the dishwasher. Dinner dishes can be cleared away after Big Brother is over, or at least, between commercials. Lazy cleans the house when she knows someone is coming over to visit. She can get the house looking pretty good in a very short time because she is organized and orderly. Let me add that Lazy doesn't like a dirty house, but sometimes she will let nonessential things go when other more important things need doing. She prioritizes very well.
The other half of the conversation is lead by the part of me that wants to improve herself. Let's call her the Guide. She's the one that asks "Is that enough?" She wants to be the best she can be in whatever endeavor she undertakes. She is not so much concerned that she be better than anyone else in what she does, but just that she be better than what she was before the undertaking. The Guide likes to keep things in order. She knows how things should be, even if they are not that way right now and she is always trying to get them the way they should be.
The Guide pushes, pulls, instructs, and coaches. She may whisper or she may shout, but however she communicates to me, I usually listen because she knows me from deep inside, from a place I am not aware of when I am awake. She is the one who questions what I do, and sometimes says "And so?" when I think I'm doing something pretty good. She keeps my feet on the ground, and keeps me focused.
Of course, the reference to the house is a metaphor, but in reality, I am Lazy, and I am the Guide. I do prioritize the housework, and I dislike housework because other works seems more enjoyable, more productive. Even after the house is "clean", it gets dirty again. Lazy says, "What's the point?" Living gets the house dirty, disorganized, messy. Sometimes life gets real messy. I clean it up when I have to.
Lazy is satisfied where she is at, the Guide is not. The Guide thinks we can do better. Lazy wants to know how we can do better, and why bother? "If someone is coming over to visit, then I'll take care ofit, I'll clean the house then," is Lazy's attitude.
But the Guide points out, "You should always be ready for a visitor. Act like every day someone is coming over to visit. Keep the house clean as you go."
Whether I'm talking about cleaning the house or improving the world we live in, the meaning is the same. Part of me resists and wants to go to sleep, and part of me seeks to wake up and do more.
I don't speak of this aspect of myself because I am proud of it, but only noting a truth about myself. Some truths about ourselves are not pretty, not likeable, not appreciated by others. I used to hide these truths, even from myself, and pretend to be someone I was not, but pretending is tiresome. It wears you out. I've decided to stop pretending. There are a few of my closest friends who know the truth about me, and they still like me, or at least, they like something about me and forgive the rest. I'm okay with that!
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