Of Being Rescued

Longings

 

“All my longings lie open before you, O Lord;

my sighing is not hidden from you.”

Psalm 38:9

 

Twelve years ago, my heart was heavy and I didn’t know why. I tried to name the heaviness that had hold of me, to explain the sadness so that I might get a grip on myself, but I couldn’t explain it. It nearly paralyzed me emotionally.

Over a period of several weeks, I was able to grasp at least some part of the thing that had immobilized me: I wanted something, but I didn’t know what it was. Then I realized I felt alienated from everything that had been familiar to me, and suddenly nothing I had or knew was enough to fill the need in my heart. Weeks passed, numbness set in, and before long I didn’t even care that I had no feeling about anything in life, nothing interested me. The spark, the joy, the aliveness had left me, and I could not explain the empty shell that walked around day after day with my name.

I turned to prayer. I didn’t know what I was asking for, I didn’t have the words. Sometimes I just laid in bed at night with no words in my mind, which I came to recognize as a good thing. You see, with no words in my mind, with no thoughts cluttering up my head, no songs, no noise, I was getting empty inside. I didn’t know I was doing that, but every night I became emptier and emptier, and one night I was so empty inside that there was room for me to let God in. And when I let Him in, He filled the emptiness with His love. He actually rescued me, pulling me from the depths of the sea into which I’d been thrown. That’s how I felt when I woke up the next day. Rescued. Saved. Alive.

He knows what we need. I suppose if you know what you need, it’s good to ask for it. But God is so big He already knows, even before I do, what I need most. Sometimes He waits for me to recognize what I need and ask for it, and other times He just waits for me. All I have to do is show up. On my knees. With an empty heart for Him to fill.

 

Prayer: Father, we thank you for the new life you give to us every day. You know the longings of our hearts. We wait to be filled with your all embracing love so that we can embrace those who live in darkness. In Jesus name, we pray. Amen.

 

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