I want to make a journal entry, but nothing comes to mind. Moments like this are a sign that I need to stop and be still. I need to empty my mind of all thoughts: What I am planning to do for school, what I am planning to do for church, what I want to do for myself, and what I want to do for my husband.
What I want to do comes into conflict with what I have to do.
Ever since my neighbor died, I've been thinking about what will happen when I die, or my husband dies. What will I do without him? What regrets will I have? What would I do differently if I knew that in 6 months I would die, or that in 6 months he would die?
There is no doubt in my mind that I would quit my teaching job if I knew one of us were going to die within 6 months, or even a year. In a heartbeat I'd quit. Everything I thought was important to me, to the contribution I see myself making, flies out the window when I think about what I have taken away from the marriage and our relationship. The time I give to school related things and church obligations, since he is not involved in either, means I give less time to us.
I can't lie about it. If you are a teacher, you know what I am talking about. The job doesn't end at 3:30 each day, doesn't end on Friday afternoon, and doesn't end with the last day of school. It goes home with you.
You think you can get away from it, and have a meaningful family relationship with those you live with and live close to, but not really. You are so tired by end of day, discourse is unlikely. So much of what goes on during the day and the week cannot even be talked about because some things are just confidential. What you can talk about doesn't really matter. You find things to talk about, but they don't seem to matter.
I need to find another way to put my family in front of my job. Or there isn't going to be a job. I can see the regrets piled high when the inevitable comes.
The irony is that this is exactly the reason I entered the profession in 1996. In the summer of '96, I asked myself, what kind of work could I get into that was worth taking up agreat deal of my time, worth sinking my interest and energies into, worth laying awake at night for, worth my skills and talents?
What kind of work would get me out of bed each day, even on those days when I felt tired and burned out, even when I'd rather stay home and stay in bed? What kind of work, when I imagined laying on my deathbed, would I feel proud of what I had done with my life? What kind of work would make me say "It was all worth it?"
Teaching seemed to fill the bill for me.
If I'm going to sacrifice a great majority of my conscious living and giving for something, that something better be worth it. I don't want to lay in my bed, taking my last few breaths and think, "Man, I could have done this, or I could have done that.... why didn't I?" or "I could have spent more time with my family."
And then I remember the greatest sacrifice of all time. I remember Jesus, and wonder if he asked that question of himself? "Are they worth it, Lord?"
He must have answered "Yes, they are worth it."
No, I don't think he asked it on the cross... he might have asked it three years earlier when he began the journey to the cross. Surely the thought crossed his mind. There was that human side to him, after all.
I'm worth it... God says I'm His beloved. You are His beloved. Jesus, His beloved Son, made that ultimate sacrifice. For me, for you, for us all.
Am I worth it? He thought so.
Which leads me to believe that any sacrifice I make as a teacher is also worth it. Worth giving a life for. I may not be hanging on a cross, but my life is given up for the work at hand.
Teaching isn't the only job or profession that is worth giving up your life for. There are so many others ...
If you make it important, if you see its importance, if you can be the best damn worker, the best newspaper delivery person, the best cashier, the best plumber, the best real estate sales person, the best nurse or doctor or pharmacist, lawyer, policeman, clerk, cook, salesperson, store manager, custodian, bus driver, x-ray technician, anesthetist, veterinarian, soldier, ... and so on... it is worth it.
If you treat people honorably, with respect, and do what is right by them, and do not misuse or abuse your authority and privileges, if you seek to help those who don't understand and those who probably never will, your life given up for the work is worth it.
If you look for the good in others, and nurture it, expose it, praise it, and honor it, your life given up for that will be worth it.
If you can guide another into the Light, and give them room to walk beside you on your Path, your life lost in that endeavor is worth it.
If ...
There are more... so many more... than the few examples I have mentioned here. I know you have thought of some of your own. Would you share them with me? I know we won't be able to top Rudyard Kipling's "If", but that is not my intention.
Is what you do worth it? What makes it worth giving your life for?
I invite you to add to the list of "If's..." with your comments below. Thank you, J-landers.
10 comments:
I could spend my whole life saying "If" I try not too. I figure I am here for a reason and hopefully I will do what I am supposed to and live a full and happy life.
My If would be "if I gave myself fully to the Lord, what awesome thing would He do through me".
betty
In spite of not being able to think of a subject to make a journal entry, you did an EXCELLENT job! At this point of my life, I have no real huge 'what if' going through my head although, I have in the past.
You are right about the school issues. I have been wrestling with school issues all weekend. Sometimes, they are so overwhelming!! I know some people think we have to much time off, but a teacher has to be allowed to step back, reorganize their thoughts and then begin all over with new kids, new issues, new disabilities, new changes in the law that affects us all. How do you tip-toe through their requirements, but yet serve the kids in their best interest? It's not about the kids anymore......it's making sure the paperwork has the I's dotted and T's crossed correctly. That makes me sad......
Jackie
I've been having trouble with journal entries lately too. Not so much because I don't have anything to say. This RARELY happens :) But because the words & thoughts seem to spill out into different directions and I'm unable to capture them and put them into the sentences or expressed the way they should be. If this makes any kind of sense? Anyway, thx for giving me a starting point. It's something we really should all be continually asking ourselves in order to make our lives complete every day and make the time we need to for what and who really matters. Hugs, ~ Lori
I can't even begin to think of another IF right now, because you pretty much covered them all. Well, maybe not ALL of them, but you have come mighty close. You always write the most thought provoking entries Bea. I admire you so much for your ability to do that. I always come away from your journal feeling uplifted and thoughtful. Maybe it's the teacher in you, but, whatever it is... I really like it.
I contemplate dying all the time! I've been waiting for it to happen since I was 12 years old. I have no idea why I am so obsessed with death, but sometimes I get so tired of waiting for it, that I almost find myself welcoming it. I don't have any major health issues at this time. I am a 10 year cancer survivor. I have survived many things in my life, and yet I still worry and think about death too darn much! The song by Bette Midler could be the story of my life... "The Rose." Every word in it.
Jackie
You sure did cover a lot! The only one that comes to mind at the moment, is "IF I weren't feeling lousy right now....just how many more "ifs" would I be thinking about??"
Nancy
To feel you are contributing to something important, making something easier for someone, better for someone is I think a reward for following the path you were meant to. We all have talents, I think a gift is learning where and how to use our talents. Everyone has some balancing act of commitments of time and energy. This is often the most difficult part of our lives. To try to bring each day into balance. Too often we accept things to do that are not ours to do. Too often we spend too much time dawdling and piddling. I think the key there is to try to be in tune with what God would have us to do each day. And be ready for the last minute changes, He often makes. Well, they seem last minute to us. Suppose He knew all along. As for spouses and children, I think when you really love someone you want them to feel fulfilled in what they do. Often, something in that can be part of the attraction you had in the first place. You have to do what make you the most whole and complete you to give to them. And you have to listen for when they may need a little more or require a little less. I think this is often the falling down place. We are so tunnel visioned on a course we don't hear the early warning signs...... As for me, well, I try to measure everything by my list of priorities and see where and if it fits. These are 1. God, 2. Hubby, 3. Children, 4. Family and Church Family. Everything else falls to the end, unless 1-4 points it toward a higher priority for a time. Of course, I go through spells when I get my horse before my cart and everything goes topsy-turvy. But God, Hubby, Child or Sister soon enough gets my attention that things are out of kelter. ;) - Barbara
Dearest Bea,
Huggggs ..um..life is made up pf the unexpected sweetie!:):)
I know that youare the best teacher!
I'm concentrating on my best at homemaker, mother, partner, community and school activist, volunteer, and uping myJlander adn education love and hugsxxxx
natalie
Very nice entry.... I work as a Special Education one on one Para in two classrooms. This is a rewarding job as well as challenging. I am in awe of teachers, especially ones like you who give it their all and are so passionate about their work and their students. What a gift you give to the kids you teach. I can tell by this very first visit to your journal how dedicated you are. Everyone has those "what ifs" in life and wonder if they are putting the right amount of energies in all the right places. I certainly do. Especially when I get home from a challenging day with an ADHD student and have little energy left for my own two. I feel so sad then. But I try to always do it the best I can, and that's all we can expect of ourselves... michelle
I our staff bathroom we have a white board which we often write notes on like what we will do to relax, etc... most recently someone wrote "If only I..." and coworkers finished the sentence. One wrote ....remembered to be more grateful.
Another wrote: ....had more time in the day.
Post a Comment